I just found this unfinished blog. It is now many months later, and the story has evolved in a very interesting way, but I thought this was worth sharing, especially in light of what has happened since I wrote it. Here goes:
When I look out at the world, I see lots of options. There's an aw-ful lot of stuff traipsing about.
But when I turn inward, on the other hand, while it seems like there's not a lot going on (once I get beyond all the mental hullabaloo) it's fairly quiet.....but reassuring...in its non-dual low profile sort of way.
Curious, while I was on the phone with yet another person with whom I've been speaking about what appears to be the soon to be short sale of our townhouse, I was reading about the actual wholeness in which I abide.
So there is all this appearance of separation, but then there is just the "IsNess" of Presence--the not then or there-ness. And if it's indivisible and I am part of that, how does seamless existence affect my "circumstances?"
Can I trust the Now to continue me as a whole being into the next Now or do I have to jump in, take control and attempt to manipulate time and space so that I'll be present when I get to that next Now and will it be there when I arrive?
"Now" all this may just seem like so much abstract speculation and opinion,, which, of course, it is, but in light of my current situation, it takes on a more lively significance.
Let me sum it up: My spouse and I have no income other than our little bit of social security, and, in fact, we haven't had any income in.....well......years.( that's another story)
As a result we have an obscenely huge intractable credit card debt, which apparently can't be prayed away. It refuses to hear, "I can't pay you anything right now." because "it" in the form of debt collectors call me many times a day..
If they don't call me, I feel hurt. We have nicknames for them. “Tomcat", "Alpha", Mrs. Greenstein.
And the one that says "Unkown Caller," we've dubbed as Fig Newton.
And I especially like the ones who leaves messages like, "This is a call for Errol Strider. If you are not Errol Strider... stop listening to this which makes no sense. Seems like, if they want their money, they wouldn't give me such a great opportunity to change my name or at least hang up. I don't get it.
Okay, continuing with the litany of our "frightening situation"--- our mortgage is overdue and we are in foreclosure, our town house goes on the auction block December 19th (along with the other financial slaves) and we have no money to move, no where to go and no way to pay to not get there.
---I'm not kvetching...just trying to pay attention here--to call a spade a "whatever they call it.".
Yes, on Dec. 19th, if I don't manipulate time and space and stuff --quick....I am in fact......fucked."
This situation, I might add, would scare the Be-Jesus right out of most people....Even the few people we've told, react like this thing is burning poisonous, smelly guk and are careful to make sure it doesn't get on them. The fear of our situation us right up there next to death, cancer, and utter lack of control--how's that for scary? It's kind of like the Frankenstorm, Sandy, that has just recently botched up the East Coast.
I get a lot of advice about this, not only from my friends standing in the headlights but also from different parts of myself:
"COMFORT" has no ambivalence about the situation.. "This sucks! and you'd better do something about it quick or at the very least have a lot sweet fatty foods around."
And, SELF-ESTEEM, of course is happy to contribute its perspective. "You should be humiliated. What kind of man are you? You're pathetic. Did you save me a piece of chocolate cake?"
And you know what WILLFUL DELUSIONAL THINKING says, "Let's turn on the TV...and get some Bud &; Jerry's chocolate flambe ice cream to go with it and make plans to save the world."
This whole story--the money, the mortgage, the self-judgment, the house, my need for the house.....that entire scenario is held in place by my beliefs.And not only do I believe in the picture that I have described, but, I believe that I am constrained by that picture. There's the rub.
But, if it is just beliefs, to what extent can changing my beliefs change the story?And will appearances change? Will the picky mortgage company leave me alone?
"Now," you, as a representative of the world might argue, "These aren't just beliefs. This is real. You really are going to have to move soon and that means, speaking of a lot of options---all your stuff."....... or so I'm led to believe. And there you have it. From the time I was born I've been led to believe.
Is it possible that my beliefs hold my "reality" in place? And that the deeper fear is to let go of my beliefs would be to be led astray and do I exist if I am astray?
How does "NOW" regard all of this?
The value of sharing this conundrum with you today while my partner and I are in the midst of this problem is that is that you can be part of the blow by blow action as I attempt to practice what I, at least, want to believe.
So when I next see you, I'll be able to say with conviction, "Yep, I stuck to my whatever is the opposite of guns, and the person I've become is the person you see before you.......and have I got a story to tell you!
Next blog..what to do with all those beliefs that I've been led to believe?